I like the idea of you thinking about me
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An open letter to her
Well, here goes nothing…
Its been five months now, & I still think about you every day. I wonder how you’re doing, I worry about you, cause I’m still not doing so well. I hope you were able to move on in the ways that I never could. I hope that while I’m holding on to him so tightly that my nails dig into my palms & cause my hands to bleed, that your hands are holding those of somebody who will mend your wounds, & kiss your scars, & fix your heart while theirs beats for you ONLY. I hope you built yourself up after the way you were broken. I hope you can rise from the flames that burned you when he so selfishly decided to play with fire. I want better for you than the fate I’ve succumbed too. I only built a wall out of my broken pieces, & the heat of this hell I’ve been sentenced too for being the other woman is no match for how cold I’ve become. I was so sad to discover that the man I fell for was unable to catch me cause his arms were too busy holding you. What a surprise it was to find out that the man I love had a side chick, & how absolutely broken I was to find out that it was me. He was your boyfriend, so trying to mourn the loss of him was so confusing cause he was never actually mine in the way I wanted him to be. You had that part of him. Everything we had was painted over with lies & colored ugly shades of blue that seem to perfectly match the mood Ive been in for months now. I saw him through kaleidoscope eyes that in hindsight I see were clearly just blinded by how much I love him. I tried so hard to look the other way, but I could only ignore the signs for so long… I know you saw them too, but who can blame us for wanting to see the best in him? We were the loyal ones. I found that we have a lot in common, he certainly had a type. In another life I would like to have been your friend, but I’m sorry to say that I couldn’t live with the reminder of what happened, & I’m sure you couldn’t either. I hope you’ve been able to make peace with it, I still can’t get a good nights rest having to sleep alone in my single bed that still somehow feels so empty without the man, or lack there of, that I still for some reason love. Please be stronger than me & give your heart to somebody that will handle it with care, somebody who deserves it, somebody YOU deserve. While I’m chasing after him, I hope you’re running in the opposite direction. I hope that out of all the drugs you felt the need to do, that none of them had to be an anti depressant like the ones I keep asking for more of. I hope that you no longer drown yourself at the bottom of a bottle or in a river you’ve cried, & instead are showered with love. I hope you’re able to love back. I hope you’ll be with somebody who will protect your heart in the same way you & I did after he broke them. I hope you find somebody that realizes how lucky they are to have found you, & they won’t need to seek out other options cause you’re everything they were looking for. I hope someday I’ll have that too, & it’s sick that I still wish for it to be with him. I guess at this point I don’t think I deserve more than how he treated me cause the guilt of being complicit in hurting you in the way I have been, I carry it with me everyday. I am so sorry. On behalf of him too, I’m sorry. I hope he personally gave you an apology. He didn’t give me one. I hope you’re world has started turning again, whereas mine still revolves around him. I don’t know how to stop it. I want everything for you that I wanted for myself, cause I don’t think I deserve it anymore. I hope you get everything you want too. All I want is him… but he doesn’t want me now that I can’t be on the side, & living with all of this is my punishment for making you live through what you had to. I didn’t know, I really didn’t, but I should have. I used to think I was intelligent & had good instincts, but he took that from me, like he took my virginity. I shouldn’t be the one who feels cheated cause he cheated WITH me. Somebody out there will be faithful to you, just make sure you aim higher before you shoot
If you know what I mean, or should I say who.
Eventually you hit that point where you’re no longer interested in convincing people that how you feel and who you are is valid and decide that as long as you know your truth and what works for you, that’s what matters.
when i posted this photo about two years ago i captioned it “come home” my girlfriend left for colorado and it was one of those days where the distance seemed too hard and all i wanted was to be back in her bed with undies on and donuts. fast forward two years and now she’s moving out to hawaii with me and we will never have to say goodbye like that again. things do work out, friends.
I understand that nobody understands me, but I canβt be someone Iβm not.
Audrey Tautou
(via naturaekos)
(via naturaekos)
